This is a weird blast from the past. I go through phases of even forgetting that this blog exists. But as my existential crisis begins, I start to think of my failed projects and unfortunately remembered that I had plans to make a podcast/blog - ultimately giving up because I didn't have an immediate audience.

Christmas is a weird time of year. I once learnt about Season Affective Disorder (SAD) and thought it was one of those edgy things that some dickhead on Tumblr made up years ago, but after a quick Google search, the NHS actually recognises this type of depression that comes with the seasonal pattern. It's been noted that I do become a quieter person in the Winter months by those in my close circle, but this year has felt like a tidal wave of low moments and feeling like there's no end in sight.

I always refer to August 2018 as the worst month of my life - after being cut off by a guy I've known for 5 years, crashing my car, and losing my job - all a week before my 21st, I was at my lowest. Looking back, that was actually the last time I wrote on this blog. (Is this just turning into a diary of my depression?) Whilst my life is no where near as low as it was in Aug 18, I do have to ironically laugh at the parallels I have faced this month.

I was given a weird turn in life earlier this year as I grew closer to a childhood friend. Before we knew it, we were making drastic plans to see each other on a bi-weekly basis. Convoluted ideas of living with each other in the future, and spending hours on end just being in each others company was just what I needed. It's unfortunate to say that it didn't work out that way, and the whole ordeal came crashing down a little over a month after it all started, but it's where my head went somewhere else. The relationship itself was anticlimactic in a sense, so I definitely wouldn't say it was the root-cause, but its where I draw my first parallel. An internet friend meets me in person for the first time and ultimately sees me as different to their initial interpretation - fair enough.

The stress begins when I get myself into another car crash. In the moment that I impacted the car in front of me, a weird sense of "Here we go again" came over me. It wasn't an, "Oh my god, something has gone terribly wrong here, what do I do?!". I got out, noted that my car took 99% of the damage, took the other driver's name and was on my way. Still no tears shed, still not got my car fixed, and still waiting on the garage for the next stop on whether my car is even fixable. Bearing in mind this is coming up to a month later. For a little more context on why this should have a greater affect on my mind - a received a follow up phone call from the insurance provider and was asked if I knew that my MOT had expired in June. A whole 6 months of illegally driving without knowing, only for me to cause a crash and essentially hand myself in. It's fascinating how life works. 

On to the third strike - losing my job. I'm happy to report that I am in a stable place with my job, and am coming up to my year anniversary. I have a great team, have built work relationships, and genuinely enjoy what I do on a day-to-day basis. It's true that you have to keep yourself busy when you're not feeling your best. A distraction method always seems to work the best as you have your eyes on the end prize; completing a task and having the satisfaction of getting through something you put your mind to. I've been thinking that work has been my distraction. Without explicitly stating where I work, I'm in a position where I have the option to work from home. I requested to work Christmas Eve (mainly because I had New Years Eve plans, so that was partly a compromise!), and ended up logging on in the evening of Christmas Day. There was a real satisfaction of closing down customer queries, assisting those on a day that they weren't expecting a response, and knowing that the following day of work was going to be that much easier. Why wouldn't I log in?

It's unfortunate that my mind doesn't allow a support system to grow around me, but it's something that I'm learning to deal with. Friends have come to me at times where I didn't realise I needed them, and my mum suggested that I reach out out to someone as I began to isolate myself. I suppose that aspect is still scaring me as it makes mental health that much realer, but I'm contemplating the idea in the new year. 

Much like my other blog posts, this really is my mental splurge and don't expect anyone to catch up or request that I post more often. It's been really nice to formalise what I've been thinking, and articulate it in a think-piece, rather than having a tornado of negativity form inside my head. Slowly learning to find my own peace. Now time to finish tidying my room; the irony that THIS became my distraction on top of a distraction is hilarious.

I'm in a weird point of my life right now. I'm days away from hitting 21 and everyone my age is at a different point in their life - whether that's with their relationships, career, education, or mental capacity. I've just started a new job; so I'd say my career is on a steady path, but I really don't know where I am mentally.

Why am I not checking in?

I was actually involved in a car crash yesterday - non-fatal, and no injuries. Both of us were pretty shaken at the time and now are cars are pretty damaged. But even as I drove my car home and began the process of reporting the crash to my insurance company, I was unusually calm. I texted immediate family about the stress of the situation... but I truly wasn't. It's almost like it was a default response; this is what you're meant to say in a situation like this. Why did I do that?

With my new role, I've come into minor hardships with my finances. Due to holiday allowances, arrears in my pay and changes in paydays, I came up pretty short in my last paycheck. I would essentially have £150 of 'free money' to spend; not accounting of petrol, food and the eventual car crash I was involved in. I don't have the strength to cut off my social life or make any real changes to accommodate this temporary cutback and yet here I am... treating myself to a bottle of red on a Wednesday evening, planning to cut collect an Amazon order tomorrow. Why is there so little stress?

Recently, I rekindled with a guy who I have spoken to on/off for the past 5 years. To spare you the details, we ended up booking a hotel in London and had a great evening. I would say our conversations have been pretty consistent over the last 5 years and yet... he has never texted me since that day. I've sent a sarcastic text once in a while and called him out for being weak, but even my friends have commented, "Why is this not driving you insane?" - and in the same breath - "I would be texting him so much more." Again - I feel like the default response would be anger and the sense of betrayal, but I seem to have moved on so quickly. Is this healthy?

I'd like to think that I have pretty good will-power when it comes to my own path in life. I have been complimented on my go-to attitude and my approach to new tasks, and yet, I can't complete anything I really want to do. At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would start a podcast (inspired by my own blog posts!). The equipment has been bought, commissioned artwork has been obtained, social media marketing is in the pipelines and so many people have reached out to say they want to get involved - but it's still not here. May 2018 had always been my intended start date, but as we approach September, I have to ask - why won't I finish?

Why am I not bothered? Why am I so far removed? Should I be worried? Are these words just default again?

This should be said into a microphone, but I'm half a bottle down on a school night with training in the morning. Sigh, good night.