psychology

Saturday, 26 August 2017
| 07:27 | No Comments

There are 'Other Options'

I remember coming out of year 11 absolutely beaming - knowing that I was coming out of compulsory education and having the ability to pick up A Levels that I knew I enjoyed. When I started college, all I could think about was that there were so many options from here on out. Life really is a series of choice.
"Life is a series of choices. What you eat. How you look. Whether you do drugs or not. See, only you can decide because the only person responsible is you. And if you make the right choice, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. If you make the wrong choice, all your decisions will be made for you."  - Extracted from Azealia Banks' song 'FANTASEA'.
It was then that I started realising that people were making the wrong decisions - dropping out because they were too lazy. Taking to the drug world because it was an escape from reality. These people were generally not making life a positive experience for themselves.

College ends and life is exciting - I have friends across the country, going to different universities and exploring themselves. I have friends going on holiday to the furthest points of the world from myself. I, myself was travelling and going to concerts. I went on holiday this year to the UAE - part of the world I never expected to find myself in. The last year has been a Gap year in a sense as I was still in part time work; not particularly looking for full time work. I knew that university wasn't for me and shared that thought process with a group of friends. I was content with the knowledge that I can travel the UK, visiting my friends at their respective universities - whilst also having friends at home, who I knew I could meet for a drink down at the pub.

Something happened over the last year and it seems a lot of these friends aren't ready for the reality of the world. They've taken the term 'gap year' seriously and are going back to education as of September. Whether this was their intention from the beginning, or they lost their sense of direction, this is their new reality. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?"

I'm in a new job, 2 months in as of the 3rd of September. The people in my office are lovely, and we have the kind of banter you would expect from people who have known each other for 10 years. It wasn't until last week that I realised that my work life will also be affected. Over the summer, a lot of 21/22 year old students have come and go through the offices as they were on a summer break. It wasn't until I looked around the office and realised how much change there was going to be over the coming weeks. 
When you become an adult, your workplace is the most likely source of friendship - it's the people you're spending multiple hours a day with. It's the people you're put up against in a sometimes challenging situation. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?" Knowing that these people won't be staying round long enough to form meaningful, lifelong friendships whilst I'm in a permanent position. Have I made the wrong decision?

The concept of university has always been complex to me. The idea of getting drunk every weekend on cheap, unknown booze is the immediate turn off. Then there's the idea of committing yourself to a single subject for 3/4 years. My brain loses interest very quickly, and it's this fear of losing interest overtime which completely turns me off - who knows what subject I would even begin with.
Now, university isn't my idea of hell. I absolutely understand all of the amazing advantages and opportunities that are presented through extensive education. The social advantages - crossing paths with people from all different parts of the country, the access to people your own age and in your own department. There's a reason why people make friends for life at uni. But it's just not for me.

So with all my friends seemingly finding their way back into education over the next weeks, I have to rather selfishly ask "What happens to me now?" My life revolves around my social life. I live for the weekends. My incentives through the day are meeting my friends for useless trips down to Brighton and midnight runs to McDonalds. Will I have to wait until the Christmas break to truly enjoy my friend groups again? Or is this all just the harsh reality of adulthood? 

I know this isn't a bad decision - it's my own path in life and I know what's best for me. So why do I still feel as though my decisions are being made for me? Why does my extroverted personality have to combat with itself?
This isn't a huge thing in life, I know, especially considering our social and political climate as of late (Don't get me started on those god damn fucking Nazis). But I'm scared. I'm scared of what's next. I don't want to resort back to being an 'internet' person who only thrives behind a screen whilst I see my friends flourishing. There are other options after college, but it really does feel like university is the only acceptable one.

Oh and holy shit I'm so single, but I didn't have enough to say to make a big post that. That's a pretty black and white statement. Haha.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Creative 'Shlump'
| 05:45 | No Comments

Creative 'Shlump'

I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.


During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

  • I would love to produce music. I've always collected acapellas, instrumentals, stems, remixes, EPs. I love messing around with music, making mashups for my friends and made stem remixes of popular chart music. But I would love to be able to churn out original songs and make a profit off of them - even if it is as a remix artist.
  • Following on from my previous point, I would love to be able to play the piano or guitar. My only problem is my patience, and that I have absolutely none. It would be a struggle for me.
  • I would like to draw more. Art lessons between the ages of 8-14 seemed like a chore, and quite honestly, a useless subject while I was trying to find my feet. It wasn't until I picked up Graphic Design for a GCSE that I realised the therapeutic side and the satisfaction of finishing.
  • One day I intended on owning my own studio. I imagine a white washed room with brick walls and various back drops for young artists and friends to 'explode in'. Throwing paint up the walls, photoshoots for varying reasons, acoustics for recording artists. It'll be multi-faceted, but I also need the income to fund such a destructive ambition.
  • I want to write a book on life experiences. Growing up as a pretty mentally stable teenager in a friendship group of others that aren't - it's made me realise that my outlook on life is different to others. I would love to share my experiences and insight on how I enjoy life even on the emptiest of days.
  • There should be more galleries near me. Although this isn't particularly going to make me create more, I do think they are such an odd concept that we as humans have constructed. We've created spaces that we naturally respect by being quiet in, it's a  museum of so many artist's interpretation of the world, and a real explosion of personal thought and expression - yet, remains so faceless. We're seeing an embodiment of an artist; whether dead or a live, but for the majority of the time we are left without a face to match the work to.
  • And on a completely contradictory and controversial level... there's nothing stopping me from wanting to do porn one day. Porn to me is being completely comfortable with your body, it means some of the safest sex you could ever have, and shows a completely different side to a personality type that you might not have explored. Of course, if my parents were to ever read this, I'm sure they would be horrified because it's shameless and also a failed career choice... but... I'll keep my options open. Maybe I just want to experience what it's like on set.  
Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016
| 12:24 | No Comments

What am I grateful for?


It's been a while since I've posted. My initial reason for starting this blog was because I was very angry at the world; a lot of things bothered me, and I felt the rest of the world cared. But blogging has become an outlet for me to create lengthy rants that only a small group of people will read.

Coming into the new school year has made realise that I'm grateful for a lot of things. Having recently turned 19, I'd like to think I'm becoming pretty experienced in life; but obviously there's always room for improvements and further reading. Knowing that this time next year, I'll be starting my third decade being alive has been scary but also quite comforting.
~
1 - I've learnt that the world is never really against me. Whether that's because I'm a white male with a whole lot of privilege, or the realisation that you really do decide your own fate 90% of the time. You really do have choice to get off your arse and do something; but you also have the choice to relax once a week and go (metaphorically) brain dead for a second. There shouldn't be any guilt behind that. I'm very grateful that I learnt that pretty much as soon as I started secondary school (age 11/12). It really helped with my learning process, and it's something I've tried to pass along to my peers for years.

2 - As a counterpart to my last point; I'm very grateful that I've completed my education. Education is so exciting to me - you can either see it as a 9-3:30 chore, or check the pros and cons. I personally believe compulsory education should be viewed as highly selective. You need to realise that you only really need to take it particular areas to excel in this world. There's a lot of information presented to you, but not all of it is necessary. Education is all about reading between the lines and realising that there's a lot of further reading after your teacher has lectured you. (I've been drinking and can already tell this paragraph isn't coherent in the slightest. Just constantly look at education as a blessing and not a systematic chore).

3 - I'm grateful for the time period I was born in. I was born into an era where race, sexuality and religion are taught separately; but also understood universally. Although we've not progressed to being entirely grateful for these beautiful diversities; I do believe our world is at a point where the good outnumber the bad. Not only have we seen progression in the sociological world; but we've seen technology integrate itself into our community in such an unimaginable way that it leaves me smiling just typing this. Technology doesn't stop at Twitter and the newest Xbox - technology is now vital in; medicine, literature, creative arts etc. We're at a pinnacle point in humanity where we are not dependent on technology, but we understand its importance. And wow isn't that exciting to a millennial who is constantly being told that we need to get off their phone.

4 - The world is a beautiful place. The sooner you can realise beauty in the somewhat uglier parts, the better your life becomes. To have any form of vision in itself is a wonderful, wonderful thing. To experience the world in in its truest, highest quality is a small portion of life that the majority take for granted. The way we have a spectrum of colours, the way light reflects off of certain surfaces, the mathematical science behind nature, the craftsmanship of structure. We're all wrapped up in this busy world of getting from point A to point B, that we need to take a break for half a second and just appreciate that a lot of us lack our basic senses. 

5 - Music sends us into different worlds. Looking past different genres, you really can find specific instruments in certain songs that do something to your mood. For example, I was listening to Kanye West's 'Ultralight Beam' at the beginning of this post, and the choir really does affect my mood every time I listen to it. This minor key song is downplayed in its greatness, but I can't help but smile as I hear the child preaching about the lord in the first few seconds. A few minutes in, I manage to find comfort in Chance the Rapper reciting the lines "When they come for you, I will shield your name. I will field their questions, I will feel your pain."
I have no doubt in my mind that this emotional attach I have to 'Ultralight Beam' is very individual, but that's part of the magic behind music. It's amazing that we all interpret music differently; even though many critics say the world is "running out of music" due to the lack of melodic rhythms and riff patterns in modern pop music. 

I'm going to leave this post at only 5 points; mainly because I'm running out of white wine, but also because I'm getting tired of typing. It's been way too long since I've ranted like this - god knows how I used to spew 2/3 posts a night out.
Let this post be a reality check for where you are in life. Without this turning into some hippy bullshit; interpret the world from a different angle and the world will do the rest of the work. It's not all bad out there!

Monday, 4 April 2016
| 03:47 | No Comments

Kids with Divorced Parents

As someone who has been affected by divorce within the family on multiple occasions, it's come to the point where I am physically drained by the after affects.

In some ways, I was fairly fortunate that I was old enough to fully understand what was going on. I was able to have adult conversations with both parents about what happened. From this I  managed to find out what happened in their paths to lead to the divorce. Then finally, I create a mental timeline to show how long they hadn't loved each other. (What a happy person I am, I know!)
However, on the flip side, being the oldest child in this situation does have its downsides as I do become the middle man in a lot of the arguments. As I am very level headed between my parents, I do become the neutral ground and occasionally the messenger owl for them. Obviously this doesn't seem fair, but it happens.

I don't really have much to say on this subject, but I feel it's something I'm going to come back to. Just not in the right frame of mind right now considering there's a fresh argument in my head.

 I'll just leave this post with an extract of what I just texted my dad on the topic of divorce:
'Having divorced parents is hard because no matter how neutrally you speak about one another, it feels like you both strive to make out one another are evil and out to get each other.'

Tuesday, 9 February 2016
| 15:56 | 2 Comments

An Internal Perspective

PART 1

I find it incredibly interesting that our individual lives are so unique. We have only ever experienced one life, one series of events. Our internal dialogue is our own, and a particular voice that no one will ever be able to hear (until technology improves of course, damn you progressive world!). But isn't it amazing that the little voice in our head can get us into trouble? The voice you're reading this very passage in is deciphering a message, picturing it and making sense of it in a very quick amount of time. So if we come to understand these 'codes' or 'messages' so quickly, why do certain situations or scenarios take so much longer to understand or come to terms with? Why does it take us so much longer to understand someone else's perspective? Of course this statement is very trivial, and there are very obvious reasons around it.

The logic behind this blog post is for me to make sense out of a series of events that have occurred over the last month or so. On more than one occasion, individuals have jumped to conclusions very quickly - almost as if they're reading a text message or a passage in a newspaper. They believe that one tiny passage of information is a full analysis and descriptive piece on exactly what happened. It's very easy to blame the digital world we live in; where communication with literally anyone in the planet being so easy and quick.

PART 2
Would you tell someone you're madly in love with someone you've only been in contact with for a month? Could it be argued that you are move in love with the concept of someone being there for you, and personality traits don't play a massive part? Only until this year have I realised that people, or the outside perspective as I like to call it, can alter that little voice in your head. Through the choice of their words, actions, and and common mannerisms, that voice becomes a new person.

PART 3
Outside perspectives change all the time; age, social groups, living conditions, exposure and so many factors can alter perception. But only until recently have I realised that people can have a direct hit on someone's internal perspective. Suddenly a person you've grown fond of becomes bitter and agitated. I questioned whether it was my own internal perspective being messed up, but the signs pointed to one person. Is it any surprise that the person you admitted to loving after a month has you tied up like a puppet? No one realises it's happening, until damage has been done - which is the truly horrifying reality of it all.

PART 4 - A PREDICTION
Running back very quickly to a person who once meant so much to you can also be equally as damaging. The person you're running back to has their own internal perspective - my voice is saying that this person does not help me progress in any way. They are no longer helpful in life, they are no longer part of your life, rather, someone who is 'there'. It's horrible to picture, but it happens far too often in my life. You've always been friends, but this begins to feel like a break up - even though the two were never romantically or sexually involved. Why is that? We've grown distant from each other, we argue and don't see from eye-to-eye, yet I'm the one that's damaged? Why is that? My internal perspective is hurting this time. 

interlude.
What started off as a very clear rant in my head, became a satisfying poetic justice. Although the comments I've made are coming across as very direct, I can assure anyone reading that this is very general. It's more like a general experience for myself whenever I see a friendship I believe(d) in crumbling apart. I know it comes across as soppy and over-dramatic, but after spending five hours in a car across the South-East coast of England, I've had some time to think.

PART 5
The truth is, I'm bored. I'm so very fucking bored of everything around me. As much as I find comfort in routines and schedules, I've found that I lose my purpose after a while. Having college five times a week, then working over the weekends has really affected my purpose. When it comes to weeks like this, where I'm only required to be in college for three hours in total, I sit back and kind of wait for something to happen. I rely on other people to make plans, I rely on suggestions, I rely on inspiration, I rely on spontaneous events. This is one of the only times I can safely thank my younger self for being so creepy, and gaining the confidence to just talk to anyone.

epilogue.
From a young age, I added everyone on Facebook (within reason). For example, I would go through my suggested friends and click on the profiles with a fair few mutual friends. From there, I would go through their details and see what school they went to and how old they were. As long as they weren't five years older than me and already looking to leave University, you can guarantee I was adding everyone I had mutual details with. Although it sounds creepy on paper, it meant that I was able to make so many friends for different social contexts. Whether that was under age clubbing, getting invited to house parties, or just hanging out at the weekends in bed eating pizza. Even working in retails for the past ~2 years has meant that my comfortability with strangers has increased. [Okay, don't worry, I've just read what I've typed. Prepare yourself for the inevitable 'Don''t trust strangers' post, with a very morbid story no doubt in the near future.]

To finish this post off, please enjoy this very fitting Disclosure song off of their debut album, 'Settle'.

"There are voices in my head, and my heart is trying hard to drown them out."

"You bring out the darkest side of me."




Edit: Now that this post has been published, the only thing I could think of is that life really is not that deep. Humans are literally a miracle in themselves; scientifically we should not be here. Why the fuck do I care if someone is in my life or not? Bye bitch, I'm a fucking miracle.