I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.

During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.

Okay, so call me an avid porn watcher. It's got to the point now where mainstream television is dead, Netflix selections are dry, and TheFineBro's YouTube channel is going down the toilet. Porn is great! At least from the view point it is. As a gay white male from the working class, in a Western society; I can safely practice my privilege with no shame. So here's my experiences:

I discovered porn at a very young age. I got my first iPod Touch back when I was around... 10 shall we say? My innocent young mind loved the idea of kissing. The idea of being mutually attracted to someone, and loving someone. Kissing was the ultimate goal and the true way of showing love for someone at that age. I remember googling "boys kissing" just to see what would come out, out of pure curiosity. Crappy YouTube videos of shit Spanish dramas came out of secret gay couples who would make out between shits at a bar were making my heart flutter. It was honestly mad to me - but I never imagined myself in those situation. 

Secondary school comes around and everyone's talking boyfriends and girlfriends. After my premature kissing addiction faded, I found myself drawn to a girl an started a very restricted relationship. (Honestly, this sounds like I'm going off topic, stay with me on this). We fell in and out of the relationship, as much as a 13 year old would, to the point where we both said enough is enough and we went our separate ways. Less than a month after our final break-up, I came out as an openly gay male - it confused everyone, but deep down, it made sense to me.

Okay - so I'm very proudly out now, and very open about my experiences, thoughts and opinions on LGBT everything. Seriously, I was obsessed! As one of the first openly gay people in my school, I felt as though it were my right to stand up to issues and comment on the media. Part of this meant that I would be commenting on the porn industry as a whole, and what porn meant to me

For those of you just interested in porn, read from here!

It may come as a surprise to everyone; but I actually watch gay porn. Shocking, I know. It's still such a taboo, even though we're supposedly this 'progressive society'. When I say I watch gay porn, I actually mean, me and my friends send links and screenshots - near enough analysing, and recommending great links. Thank god I have great friends looking out for me! From my being so open minded about porn, I decided to do some research on the porn industry as a whole (Who am I kidding? I watch 'When Porn Ends' on Netflix.) The documentary shocked me. It seemed that this idealistic dream to many was actually a career that would struggle to make end's meat (no pun intended) by the time actors where 26! 30?! Hardly enough time to reach a mid-life crisis. Now, of the documentaries I've watched, many have been of straight actors, and those who occasionally dip into bondage/lesbian scenes. The girls in these scenes go through so much emotional bullying to play this 'helpless' wench, in a patriarchal world. Don't mean to get all political, but I was so confused...

So here's why I was confused. I can't stress enough about how much porn I watch - I follow porn stars on Twitter, have favourite actors, and catch up on their lives. Most of it's not even for pleasure - it just all intrigues me! Take my all time favourite, Francois Sagat - a now retired star, who runs his own successful underwear line, and also models on the side. This built up, muscular, French model would be perceived as a typical straight male down the streets (probably quite douchy, self obsessed, and only got sex on their mind - sorry lads.) In reality, this business man has a very feminine side to him, and ventured into the drag community, and isn't afraid to show a beat face of make-up. 

Because of my love for LGBT+ rights, I follow many gay activists/lifestyle advice YouTube channels - including the ever popular, DaveyWavey. Davey is known for hanging out with LA's finest GoGo Dancers and porn stars, and I admit to recognising a fair few of his collaborators. So why don't we see this kind of exposure in female porn stars? I'm going to take a long hard guess at this:

It's sexism. In a world were women are becoming more visible, and faster than ever, the need for women in the porn industry is still being questioned. We live in a world were up to 70% of the popular identify as straight-conforming, yet women are still seen as sluts and whores if they DARE mention they even watch porn. What's that all about? I definitely have internal-sexism in me from the culture I have grown up in, and the social constructs I have grown to believe in. However, I don't let this define me, and I have decided to be woke up on the subject by doing my homework. 

I suppose the point of this lengthy text post is to ask, can we get more personalities in the straight/lesbian porn industry without these fake, sultry acts. I'm sure that part of the reason that most of my female friends don't watch porn because it's so scripted and unrealistic. Gay porn is so much closer to the real thing (minus the typical massage/coach & student plot lines).