I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.

During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.

Okay, so I went to a gathering round someone's house today for a couple hours. My attention is always diverted to my personal thoughts, and I just have a couple of questions I would like to ask...

Why is discrimination taught? 

Why would any parent teacher their child that there is a certain 'group' of people you should not associate with? Like it's one thing not agreeing with the gays, blacks, women etc. through your own self-hatred. But these people have sex, go through nine months of struggle, raise the child, bathe, feed, shelter them. Then at a certain age, when the child is old enough to understand shit, adults think they can say "Yeah, no, they're corrupt." ?!?!?!?! what.

Why are there still British teenagers who aren't allowed 'out' at 18 years old?

I know it's a stereotype that white kids can get away with a lot more shit than other people. But at 18 - when the eyes of the law deem you as a legal adult, why are parents still intervening? This is not the case for me; I go out, experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex. But I wouldn't say I'm a corrupt or troubled individual? (Open to opinions) Aren't you sheltering your kids from the real world?

Why are humans built with so much hatred?

I could just be in a really shit mood today, but jesus christ - everyone seems to be fired up all the time! A lot of this hatred is seed on Twitter because of my interest in pop culture; I naturally follow other pop culture fans, and specialised fanbase accounts. They all find it so hard to praise artists without tearing down undeserving artists! Then in real life, I live in a pretty big town with thousands of teenagers. So why is it that whenever I talk to ANYONE my age, they seem to have beef with the person I had previously talked to? 

Why is Chart Music deemed bad - when they are based on popularity of sales/streams?

Okay, the the music may not be tailored to your taste. But 1) How can you slate a collection of 40/50/100 songs entirely? Surely you can go through that list and find a handful of guilty pleasures at least? 2) Anyone with the most basic internet knowledge will know that there is plenty more music available on the internet. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find something much worse.

Why is Uni still such a normal thing for UK teenagers?

University used to be free, and still is in certain areas. But a large percentage put starting prices at £60,000 - before even considering living fees, food, text books etc. Why does this appeal to so many people?! I've talked to many adults who have a specialised degree and currently in a job where their degree was not required. SO WHAT IS THE POINT?! 

Is it normal to feel 'too lazy to live'?

Now, before anyone reads into this as a hidden suicide message - I really would like to reassure everyone reading that I am perfectly stable and happy in life. But sitting in bed, downloading various Kanye West/Tinashe demos and listening to my February playlist, all I could think of was how truly lazy I am. Plenty of my friends are heading off to Uni, placement or starting their careers - I just can not be arsed to start any of this yet. A lot of these people haven't even turned 18 yet - why are you looking into starting a CAREER? Stop cutting your teen years short you weirdos. So when I say, "I'm too lazy to live", I probably should have said I'm too lazy to transition into adulthood.

Also, the image is a picture of me from 2008 visiting family from Croydon at a dodgy restaurant. My nan was telling me that there have been stabbings in there before as we walked out.

Okay done, thanks for reading lmao. 

Right, so I've stumbled across this YouTube video of Thomas Lloyd talking about his pride and

owning his identity at a TEDx conference...

His initial question came from peers and family members who ask "Why are [you] so gay?" and it resonated well with. Anyone who knows me understands when a misrepresented group is put at large, I actively speak out. Now, as for Lloyd's direct comments on his experiences and what he has learned from extensive research, I have nothing more to say. Lloyd made an engaging speech, which included satirical references and made sure to speak out on the issue of black men not being able to speak on their experiences with the HIV/Aids crisis.

The video sparked an internal dialogue, and made me realise how everyone in the LGBTQ+ community has a god forsaken right to be as loud and out as physically possible. I'm not exactly feeling a long, emotional post today... so let me bulletpoint this.

* - Bug Chasers are gay men actively looking to contract HIV. It's been slated as a form of self harm, and anyone dealing with or knows anyone actively looking to contract HIV should seek medical help.

I can feel myself getting angry just typing this out. It pains me to see people letting the world swallow them up because their family, peers or government don't 'agree' with their lifestyle. It makes me every more angry because my own experiences with coming out as gay have proved that all it takes it to be open, proud and being a likeable human being, for people to change their own opinions. Fuck this stigma that the LGBTQ+ community hold for being extremists. Fuck homophobia. Fuck every last ounce of self-hatred that the world puts into these little boys and girls through subliminal messaging.