This July will commemorate the 5 year anniversary of Azealia Banks' mixtape, 'FANTASEA'. This September will commemorate my 20th anniversary of being alive. Basic math will show that I was 14 when I was fully exposed to Azealia's creative integrity and commitment to music.

Having heard, and already being a massive fan of Azealia's 1991 - EP (2012), it wasn't until her first mixtape that we truly got to experience her voice and stories. Samples of the mixtape released prior to release included the infamous '212', fan-favourite 'Fuck Up the Fun' and a brand new song 'Jumanji'. Listening to just these three songs will show her versatility and worth. On mixtape release day, I was presented with a 19-song strong tracklist - and without trying to sound over dramatic, my life changed.

At 14, my music knowledge was probably wider than the majority of my classmates' - but that only included chart toppers and songs my mum would blast from the bath, late on a school night. Banks was one of the first artists I could truly run into school and inform my peers about. Here's just a couple of memories I have with certain songs...

For a larger portion of my early teens, I was part of a dance troupe for a local company. My relationship with the dance teacher was very personal. We would be eager to start our dance lessons on a Tuesday with new music from the week, and discussing choreography to our own fan-made mixes. When 'Jumanji' was released, I instantly visualised choreography alongside it and had to inform Shaun! (This is the days before I utilised Facebook Messenger, so Tuesday was looming). Our dance studio was on the second floor of the leisure centre and I remember being sat on the viewing deck, overlooking the main entrance. I got there so early just to make sure I was the first to see Shaun and inform him on how sick this song really was. He clicked with it straight away, and we freestyled in the studios while we were waiting for the other students.

I went to a pretty decent secondary school - we were academically the strongest school in the area, with plenty of students from various cultures/backgrounds. We would have these house parties pretty much every weekend and I always remember getting stressed out at some of the music choices. These kids were mixing slow music straight after a trance remix of ''What Makes You Beautiful' and I wasn't feeling. Once in a while, I would take of the aux and I was eager to play 'Esta Noche'. The intro is pretty long, and I was prepared for some back lash, but my girls could trust me. Better believe when that drop came in, it became a fan favourite and actually created some fans of Azealia. This song let me truly embrace my little gay ass, as flamboyantly as I  wished.

Twitter was THE place to be back in 2012/2013. Everyone really did get along, and it was a place where live tweeting was a given. Twitter introduced me to RuPaul's Drag Race - a US based competition for drag professionals to prove they are America's next Drag Superstar. I was introduced to a culture of gay black men in the Ballroom scenes. 'Paris is Burning' became part of my vernacular (without the inappropriate cultural appropriation, of course). In turn, I could appreciate songs such as 'Fierce' and 'Chips'. On first listen of the mixtape, they essentially went a miss as I couldn't resonate or white people dance to them. These songs make me feel kunty and inadvertently tell me to take up Vogue'ing lessons. Being part of Azealia's fanbase opened my eyes to a new world of dance and culture.

The visual direction for the music video to 'Atlantis' was perhaps the only thing from the 'Fantasea era' that wasn't necessarily introduced to me by Azealia. Being one of the original Tumblr kids, I was fully aware of the vaporware scene. However, for Azealia to indulge into it was a shock for me. I had only seen her as a house/RnB artist with plenty of early 2000 references. This was new and exciting, weirdly edited and not what I expected from listening to the song. The video was released whilst I was doing my GCSEs, and I remember being sat in a Drama Theory class when I got the notification. I showed my friend, who was already familar with 'Esta Noche', and asked her what she thought. She agreed she had never seen anything like it before. She was a force to be reckoned with.

The release of 'FANTASEA II: The Second Wave' is looming, and it's always nice to look back at how music has changed you. It's not always obvious at the time, but I'm typing with a big smile on my face right now. If you've never given Azealia's music a chance, all I can do is beg you to look past any negative headlines you might have seen about her. 'Along the Coast' and 'Count Contessa' are really nice previews of whats to come.

PART 1

I find it incredibly interesting that our individual lives are so unique. We have only ever experienced one life, one series of events. Our internal dialogue is our own, and a particular voice that no one will ever be able to hear (until technology improves of course, damn you progressive world!). But isn't it amazing that the little voice in our head can get us into trouble? The voice you're reading this very passage in is deciphering a message, picturing it and making sense of it in a very quick amount of time. So if we come to understand these 'codes' or 'messages' so quickly, why do certain situations or scenarios take so much longer to understand or come to terms with? Why does it take us so much longer to understand someone else's perspective? Of course this statement is very trivial, and there are very obvious reasons around it.

The logic behind this blog post is for me to make sense out of a series of events that have occurred over the last month or so. On more than one occasion, individuals have jumped to conclusions very quickly - almost as if they're reading a text message or a passage in a newspaper. They believe that one tiny passage of information is a full analysis and descriptive piece on exactly what happened. It's very easy to blame the digital world we live in; where communication with literally anyone in the planet being so easy and quick.

PART 2

Would you tell someone you're madly in love with someone you've only been in contact with for a month? Could it be argued that you are move in love with the concept of someone being there for you, and personality traits don't play a massive part? Only until this year have I realised that people, or the outside perspective as I like to call it, can alter that little voice in your head. Through the choice of their words, actions, and and common mannerisms, that voice becomes a new person.

PART 3

Outside perspectives change all the time; age, social groups, living conditions, exposure and so many factors can alter perception. But only until recently have I realised that people can have a direct hit on someone's internal perspective. Suddenly a person you've grown fond of becomes bitter and agitated. I questioned whether it was my own internal perspective being messed up, but the signs pointed to one person. Is it any surprise that the person you admitted to loving after a month has you tied up like a puppet? No one realises it's happening, until damage has been done - which is the truly horrifying reality of it all.

PART 4 - A PREDICTION

Running back very quickly to a person who once meant so much to you can also be equally as damaging. The person you're running back to has their own internal perspective - my voice is saying that this person does not help me progress in any way. They are no longer helpful in life, they are no longer part of your life, rather, someone who is 'there'. It's horrible to picture, but it happens far too often in my life. You've always been friends, but this begins to feel like a break up - even though the two were never romantically or sexually involved. Why is that? We've grown distant from each other, we argue and don't see from eye-to-eye, yet I'm the one that's damaged? Why is that? My internal perspective is hurting this time. 

interlude.

What started off as a very clear rant in my head, became a satisfying poetic justice. Although the comments I've made are coming across as very direct, I can assure anyone reading that this is very general. It's more like a general experience for myself whenever I see a friendship I believe(d) in crumbling apart. I know it comes across as soppy and over-dramatic, but after spending five hours in a car across the South-East coast of England, I've had some time to think.

PART 5

The truth is, I'm bored. I'm so very fucking bored of everything around me. As much as I find comfort in routines and schedules, I've found that I lose my purpose after a while. Having college five times a week, then working over the weekends has really affected my purpose. When it comes to weeks like this, where I'm only required to be in college for three hours in total, I sit back and kind of wait for something to happen. I rely on other people to make plans, I rely on suggestions, I rely on inspiration, I rely on spontaneous events. This is one of the only times I can safely thank my younger self for being so creepy, and gaining the confidence to just talk to anyone.

epilogue.

From a young age, I added everyone on Facebook (within reason). For example, I would go through my suggested friends and click on the profiles with a fair few mutual friends. From there, I would go through their details and see what school they went to and how old they were. As long as they weren't five years older than me and already looking to leave University, you can guarantee I was adding everyone I had mutual details with. Although it sounds creepy on paper, it meant that I was able to make so many friends for different social contexts. Whether that was under age clubbing, getting invited to house parties, or just hanging out at the weekends in bed eating pizza. Even working in retails for the past ~2 years has meant that my comfortability with strangers has increased. [Okay, don't worry, I've just read what I've typed. Prepare yourself for the inevitable 'Don''t trust strangers' post, with a very morbid story no doubt in the near future.]

To finish this post off, please enjoy this very fitting Disclosure song off of their debut album, 'Settle'.

"There are voices in my head, and my heart is trying hard to drown them out."

"You bring out the darkest side of me."