This July will commemorate the 5 year anniversary of Azealia Banks' mixtape, 'FANTASEA'. This September will commemorate my 20th anniversary of being alive. Basic math will show that I was 14 when I was fully exposed to Azealia's creative integrity and commitment to music.

Having heard, and already being a massive fan of Azealia's 1991 - EP (2012), it wasn't until her first mixtape that we truly got to experience her voice and stories. Samples of the mixtape released prior to release included the infamous '212', fan-favourite 'Fuck Up the Fun' and a brand new song 'Jumanji'. Listening to just these three songs will show her versatility and worth. On mixtape release day, I was presented with a 19-song strong tracklist - and without trying to sound over dramatic, my life changed.

At 14, my music knowledge was probably wider than the majority of my classmates' - but that only included chart toppers and songs my mum would blast from the bath, late on a school night. Banks was one of the first artists I could truly run into school and inform my peers about. Here's just a couple of memories I have with certain songs...

For a larger portion of my early teens, I was part of a dance troupe for a local company. My relationship with the dance teacher was very personal. We would be eager to start our dance lessons on a Tuesday with new music from the week, and discussing choreography to our own fan-made mixes. When 'Jumanji' was released, I instantly visualised choreography alongside it and had to inform Shaun! (This is the days before I utilised Facebook Messenger, so Tuesday was looming). Our dance studio was on the second floor of the leisure centre and I remember being sat on the viewing deck, overlooking the main entrance. I got there so early just to make sure I was the first to see Shaun and inform him on how sick this song really was. He clicked with it straight away, and we freestyled in the studios while we were waiting for the other students.

I went to a pretty decent secondary school - we were academically the strongest school in the area, with plenty of students from various cultures/backgrounds. We would have these house parties pretty much every weekend and I always remember getting stressed out at some of the music choices. These kids were mixing slow music straight after a trance remix of ''What Makes You Beautiful' and I wasn't feeling. Once in a while, I would take of the aux and I was eager to play 'Esta Noche'. The intro is pretty long, and I was prepared for some back lash, but my girls could trust me. Better believe when that drop came in, it became a fan favourite and actually created some fans of Azealia. This song let me truly embrace my little gay ass, as flamboyantly as I  wished.

Twitter was THE place to be back in 2012/2013. Everyone really did get along, and it was a place where live tweeting was a given. Twitter introduced me to RuPaul's Drag Race - a US based competition for drag professionals to prove they are America's next Drag Superstar. I was introduced to a culture of gay black men in the Ballroom scenes. 'Paris is Burning' became part of my vernacular (without the inappropriate cultural appropriation, of course). In turn, I could appreciate songs such as 'Fierce' and 'Chips'. On first listen of the mixtape, they essentially went a miss as I couldn't resonate or white people dance to them. These songs make me feel kunty and inadvertently tell me to take up Vogue'ing lessons. Being part of Azealia's fanbase opened my eyes to a new world of dance and culture.

The visual direction for the music video to 'Atlantis' was perhaps the only thing from the 'Fantasea era' that wasn't necessarily introduced to me by Azealia. Being one of the original Tumblr kids, I was fully aware of the vaporware scene. However, for Azealia to indulge into it was a shock for me. I had only seen her as a house/RnB artist with plenty of early 2000 references. This was new and exciting, weirdly edited and not what I expected from listening to the song. The video was released whilst I was doing my GCSEs, and I remember being sat in a Drama Theory class when I got the notification. I showed my friend, who was already familar with 'Esta Noche', and asked her what she thought. She agreed she had never seen anything like it before. She was a force to be reckoned with.

The release of 'FANTASEA II: The Second Wave' is looming, and it's always nice to look back at how music has changed you. It's not always obvious at the time, but I'm typing with a big smile on my face right now. If you've never given Azealia's music a chance, all I can do is beg you to look past any negative headlines you might have seen about her. 'Along the Coast' and 'Count Contessa' are really nice previews of whats to come.

I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.

During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.

It's been a while since I've posted. My initial reason for starting this blog was because I was very angry at the world; a lot of things bothered me, and I felt the rest of the world cared. But blogging has become an outlet for me to create lengthy rants that only a small group of people will read.

Coming into the new school year has made realise that I'm grateful for a lot of things. Having recently turned 19, I'd like to think I'm becoming pretty experienced in life; but obviously there's always room for improvements and further reading. Knowing that this time next year, I'll be starting my third decade being alive has been scary but also quite comforting.

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1 - I've learnt that the world is never really against me. Whether that's because I'm a white male with a whole lot of privilege, or the realisation that you really do decide your own fate 90% of the time. You really do have choice to get off your arse and do something; but you also have the choice to relax once a week and go (metaphorically) brain dead for a second. There shouldn't be any guilt behind that. I'm very grateful that I learnt that pretty much as soon as I started secondary school (age 11/12). It really helped with my learning process, and it's something I've tried to pass along to my peers for years.

2 - As a counterpart to my last point; I'm very grateful that I've completed my education. Education is so exciting to me - you can either see it as a 9-3:30 chore, or check the pros and cons. I personally believe compulsory education should be viewed as highly selective. You need to realise that you only really need to take it particular areas to excel in this world. There's a lot of information presented to you, but not all of it is necessary. Education is all about reading between the lines and realising that there's a lot of further reading after your teacher has lectured you. (I've been drinking and can already tell this paragraph isn't coherent in the slightest. Just constantly look at education as a blessing and not a systematic chore).

3 - I'm grateful for the time period I was born in. I was born into an era where race, sexuality and religion are taught separately; but also understood universally. Although we've not progressed to being entirely grateful for these beautiful diversities; I do believe our world is at a point where the good outnumber the bad. Not only have we seen progression in the sociological world; but we've seen technology integrate itself into our community in such an unimaginable way that it leaves me smiling just typing this. Technology doesn't stop at Twitter and the newest Xbox - technology is now vital in; medicine, literature, creative arts etc. We're at a pinnacle point in humanity where we are not dependent on technology, but we understand its importance. And wow isn't that exciting to a millennial who is constantly being told that we need to get off their phone.

4 - The world is a beautiful place. The sooner you can realise beauty in the somewhat uglier parts, the better your life becomes. To have any form of vision in itself is a wonderful, wonderful thing. To experience the world in in its truest, highest quality is a small portion of life that the majority take for granted. The way we have a spectrum of colours, the way light reflects off of certain surfaces, the mathematical science behind nature, the craftsmanship of structure. We're all wrapped up in this busy world of getting from point A to point B, that we need to take a break for half a second and just appreciate that a lot of us lack our basic senses. 

5 - Music sends us into different worlds. Looking past different genres, you really can find specific instruments in certain songs that do something to your mood. For example, I was listening to Kanye West's 'Ultralight Beam' at the beginning of this post, and the choir really does affect my mood every time I listen to it. This minor key song is downplayed in its greatness, but I can't help but smile as I hear the child preaching about the lord in the first few seconds. A few minutes in, I manage to find comfort in Chance the Rapper reciting the lines "When they come for you, I will shield your name. I will field their questions, I will feel your pain."

I have no doubt in my mind that this emotional attach I have to 'Ultralight Beam' is very individual, but that's part of the magic behind music. It's amazing that we all interpret music differently; even though many critics say the world is "running out of music" due to the lack of melodic rhythms and riff patterns in modern pop music. 

I'm going to leave this post at only 5 points; mainly because I'm running out of white wine, but also because I'm getting tired of typing. It's been way too long since I've ranted like this - god knows how I used to spew 2/3 posts a night out.

Let this post be a reality check for where you are in life. Without this turning into some hippy bullshit; interpret the world from a different angle and the world will do the rest of the work. It's not all bad out there!

It's come to my attention that there's a niche group of people who just assume that every last song that has ever been release was created with the intention of impressing them. Now, before I continue, let me just say that this blog post doesn't come from a place of anger; it's more of a public service announcement.

Okay, so let me teach you about a wonderful little thing called 'Uses & Gratification' theory. UGT is 'an approach to understanding why and how people actively seek out specific media to satisfy specific needs'. In other words; what do we personal get/feel in reaction to media releases. The approach is great for conversation as we all read media in different ways.

FORMATION

   

Possibilities of UGT here:

- Beyoncé as a powerful black female lead

- Feminist advocate

- Human rights advocate

- Humanitarian

- Black Rights advocate

- Equal rights advocate

- It's a fucking bop of a song, let's just listen and enjoy the fucking self empowering song. CAUSE I SLAY

Possibilites of UGT here:
- Rihanna as a strong, black woman in the lead role
- Rebelling against societal norms
- Representations of various female body types within the video
- Displays alternative fashion choices within the video
- Used as a form of 'escapism' - much like GTA
- We can relate to the anger of financial problems
- The song is a fucking BOP. It was played on my 18th birthday in a club - so drunk, staring into a laser with hundreds of people around me?! Hell fucking yes.

Okay, so I went to a gathering round someone's house today for a couple hours. My attention is always diverted to my personal thoughts, and I just have a couple of questions I would like to ask...

Why is discrimination taught? 

Why would any parent teacher their child that there is a certain 'group' of people you should not associate with? Like it's one thing not agreeing with the gays, blacks, women etc. through your own self-hatred. But these people have sex, go through nine months of struggle, raise the child, bathe, feed, shelter them. Then at a certain age, when the child is old enough to understand shit, adults think they can say "Yeah, no, they're corrupt." ?!?!?!?! what.

Why are there still British teenagers who aren't allowed 'out' at 18 years old?

I know it's a stereotype that white kids can get away with a lot more shit than other people. But at 18 - when the eyes of the law deem you as a legal adult, why are parents still intervening? This is not the case for me; I go out, experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex. But I wouldn't say I'm a corrupt or troubled individual? (Open to opinions) Aren't you sheltering your kids from the real world?

Why are humans built with so much hatred?

I could just be in a really shit mood today, but jesus christ - everyone seems to be fired up all the time! A lot of this hatred is seed on Twitter because of my interest in pop culture; I naturally follow other pop culture fans, and specialised fanbase accounts. They all find it so hard to praise artists without tearing down undeserving artists! Then in real life, I live in a pretty big town with thousands of teenagers. So why is it that whenever I talk to ANYONE my age, they seem to have beef with the person I had previously talked to? 

Why is Chart Music deemed bad - when they are based on popularity of sales/streams?

Okay, the the music may not be tailored to your taste. But 1) How can you slate a collection of 40/50/100 songs entirely? Surely you can go through that list and find a handful of guilty pleasures at least? 2) Anyone with the most basic internet knowledge will know that there is plenty more music available on the internet. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find something much worse.

Why is Uni still such a normal thing for UK teenagers?

University used to be free, and still is in certain areas. But a large percentage put starting prices at £60,000 - before even considering living fees, food, text books etc. Why does this appeal to so many people?! I've talked to many adults who have a specialised degree and currently in a job where their degree was not required. SO WHAT IS THE POINT?! 

Is it normal to feel 'too lazy to live'?

Now, before anyone reads into this as a hidden suicide message - I really would like to reassure everyone reading that I am perfectly stable and happy in life. But sitting in bed, downloading various Kanye West/Tinashe demos and listening to my February playlist, all I could think of was how truly lazy I am. Plenty of my friends are heading off to Uni, placement or starting their careers - I just can not be arsed to start any of this yet. A lot of these people haven't even turned 18 yet - why are you looking into starting a CAREER? Stop cutting your teen years short you weirdos. So when I say, "I'm too lazy to live", I probably should have said I'm too lazy to transition into adulthood.

Also, the image is a picture of me from 2008 visiting family from Croydon at a dodgy restaurant. My nan was telling me that there have been stabbings in there before as we walked out.

Okay done, thanks for reading lmao.