Where am I?
I'm in a weird point of my life right now. I'm days away from hitting 21 and everyone my age is at a different point in their life - whether that's with their relationships, career, education, or mental capacity. I've just started a new job; so I'd say my career is on a steady path, but I really don't know where I am mentally.
Why am I not checking in?
I was actually involved in a car crash yesterday - non-fatal, and no injuries. Both of us were pretty shaken at the time and now are cars are pretty damaged. But even as I drove my car home and began the process of reporting the crash to my insurance company, I was unusually calm. I texted immediate family about the stress of the situation... but I truly wasn't. It's almost like it was a default response; this is what you're meant to say in a situation like this. Why did I do that?
With my new role, I've come into minor hardships with my finances. Due to holiday allowances, arrears in my pay and changes in paydays, I came up pretty short in my last paycheck. I would essentially have £150 of 'free money' to spend; not accounting of petrol, food and the eventual car crash I was involved in. I don't have the strength to cut off my social life or make any real changes to accommodate this temporary cutback and yet here I am... treating myself to a bottle of red on a Wednesday evening, planning to cut collect an Amazon order tomorrow. Why is there so little stress?
Recently, I rekindled with a guy who I have spoken to on/off for the past 5 years. To spare you the details, we ended up booking a hotel in London and had a great evening. I would say our conversations have been pretty consistent over the last 5 years and yet... he has never texted me since that day. I've sent a sarcastic text once in a while and called him out for being weak, but even my friends have commented, "Why is this not driving you insane?" - and in the same breath - "I would be texting him so much more." Again - I feel like the default response would be anger and the sense of betrayal, but I seem to have moved on so quickly. Is this healthy?
I'd like to think that I have pretty good will-power when it comes to my own path in life. I have been complimented on my go-to attitude and my approach to new tasks, and yet, I can't complete anything I really want to do. At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would start a podcast (inspired by my own blog posts!). The equipment has been bought, commissioned artwork has been obtained, social media marketing is in the pipelines and so many people have reached out to say they want to get involved - but it's still not here. May 2018 had always been my intended start date, but as we approach September, I have to ask - why won't I finish?
Why am I not bothered? Why am I so far removed? Should I be worried? Are these words just default again?
This should be said into a microphone, but I'm half a bottle down on a school night with training in the morning. Sigh, good night.
