An Internal Perspective

PART 1

I find it incredibly interesting that our individual lives are so unique. We have only ever experienced one life, one series of events. Our internal dialogue is our own, and a particular voice that no one will ever be able to hear (until technology improves of course, damn you progressive world!). But isn't it amazing that the little voice in our head can get us into trouble? The voice you're reading this very passage in is deciphering a message, picturing it and making sense of it in a very quick amount of time. So if we come to understand these 'codes' or 'messages' so quickly, why do certain situations or scenarios take so much longer to understand or come to terms with? Why does it take us so much longer to understand someone else's perspective? Of course this statement is very trivial, and there are very obvious reasons around it.

The logic behind this blog post is for me to make sense out of a series of events that have occurred over the last month or so. On more than one occasion, individuals have jumped to conclusions very quickly - almost as if they're reading a text message or a passage in a newspaper. They believe that one tiny passage of information is a full analysis and descriptive piece on exactly what happened. It's very easy to blame the digital world we live in; where communication with literally anyone in the planet being so easy and quick.

PART 2

Would you tell someone you're madly in love with someone you've only been in contact with for a month? Could it be argued that you are move in love with the concept of someone being there for you, and personality traits don't play a massive part? Only until this year have I realised that people, or the outside perspective as I like to call it, can alter that little voice in your head. Through the choice of their words, actions, and and common mannerisms, that voice becomes a new person.

PART 3

Outside perspectives change all the time; age, social groups, living conditions, exposure and so many factors can alter perception. But only until recently have I realised that people can have a direct hit on someone's internal perspective. Suddenly a person you've grown fond of becomes bitter and agitated. I questioned whether it was my own internal perspective being messed up, but the signs pointed to one person. Is it any surprise that the person you admitted to loving after a month has you tied up like a puppet? No one realises it's happening, until damage has been done - which is the truly horrifying reality of it all.

PART 4 - A PREDICTION

Running back very quickly to a person who once meant so much to you can also be equally as damaging. The person you're running back to has their own internal perspective - my voice is saying that this person does not help me progress in any way. They are no longer helpful in life, they are no longer part of your life, rather, someone who is 'there'. It's horrible to picture, but it happens far too often in my life. You've always been friends, but this begins to feel like a break up - even though the two were never romantically or sexually involved. Why is that? We've grown distant from each other, we argue and don't see from eye-to-eye, yet I'm the one that's damaged? Why is that? My internal perspective is hurting this time. 

interlude.

What started off as a very clear rant in my head, became a satisfying poetic justice. Although the comments I've made are coming across as very direct, I can assure anyone reading that this is very general. It's more like a general experience for myself whenever I see a friendship I believe(d) in crumbling apart. I know it comes across as soppy and over-dramatic, but after spending five hours in a car across the South-East coast of England, I've had some time to think.

PART 5

The truth is, I'm bored. I'm so very fucking bored of everything around me. As much as I find comfort in routines and schedules, I've found that I lose my purpose after a while. Having college five times a week, then working over the weekends has really affected my purpose. When it comes to weeks like this, where I'm only required to be in college for three hours in total, I sit back and kind of wait for something to happen. I rely on other people to make plans, I rely on suggestions, I rely on inspiration, I rely on spontaneous events. This is one of the only times I can safely thank my younger self for being so creepy, and gaining the confidence to just talk to anyone.

epilogue.

From a young age, I added everyone on Facebook (within reason). For example, I would go through my suggested friends and click on the profiles with a fair few mutual friends. From there, I would go through their details and see what school they went to and how old they were. As long as they weren't five years older than me and already looking to leave University, you can guarantee I was adding everyone I had mutual details with. Although it sounds creepy on paper, it meant that I was able to make so many friends for different social contexts. Whether that was under age clubbing, getting invited to house parties, or just hanging out at the weekends in bed eating pizza. Even working in retails for the past ~2 years has meant that my comfortability with strangers has increased. [Okay, don't worry, I've just read what I've typed. Prepare yourself for the inevitable 'Don''t trust strangers' post, with a very morbid story no doubt in the near future.]

To finish this post off, please enjoy this very fitting Disclosure song off of their debut album, 'Settle'.

"There are voices in my head, and my heart is trying hard to drown them out."

"You bring out the darkest side of me."

Edit: Now that this post has been published, the only thing I could think of is that life really is not that deep. Humans are literally a miracle in themselves; scientifically we should not be here. Why the fuck do I care if someone is in my life or not? Bye bitch, I'm a fucking miracle.

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