This is a weird blast from the past. I go through phases of even forgetting that this blog exists. But as my existential crisis begins, I start to think of my failed projects and unfortunately remembered that I had plans to make a podcast/blog - ultimately giving up because I didn't have an immediate audience.

Christmas is a weird time of year. I once learnt about Season Affective Disorder (SAD) and thought it was one of those edgy things that some dickhead on Tumblr made up years ago, but after a quick Google search, the NHS actually recognises this type of depression that comes with the seasonal pattern. It's been noted that I do become a quieter person in the Winter months by those in my close circle, but this year has felt like a tidal wave of low moments and feeling like there's no end in sight.

I always refer to August 2018 as the worst month of my life - after being cut off by a guy I've known for 5 years, crashing my car, and losing my job - all a week before my 21st, I was at my lowest. Looking back, that was actually the last time I wrote on this blog. (Is this just turning into a diary of my depression?) Whilst my life is no where near as low as it was in Aug 18, I do have to ironically laugh at the parallels I have faced this month.

I was given a weird turn in life earlier this year as I grew closer to a childhood friend. Before we knew it, we were making drastic plans to see each other on a bi-weekly basis. Convoluted ideas of living with each other in the future, and spending hours on end just being in each others company was just what I needed. It's unfortunate to say that it didn't work out that way, and the whole ordeal came crashing down a little over a month after it all started, but it's where my head went somewhere else. The relationship itself was anticlimactic in a sense, so I definitely wouldn't say it was the root-cause, but its where I draw my first parallel. An internet friend meets me in person for the first time and ultimately sees me as different to their initial interpretation - fair enough.

The stress begins when I get myself into another car crash. In the moment that I impacted the car in front of me, a weird sense of "Here we go again" came over me. It wasn't an, "Oh my god, something has gone terribly wrong here, what do I do?!". I got out, noted that my car took 99% of the damage, took the other driver's name and was on my way. Still no tears shed, still not got my car fixed, and still waiting on the garage for the next stop on whether my car is even fixable. Bearing in mind this is coming up to a month later. For a little more context on why this should have a greater affect on my mind - a received a follow up phone call from the insurance provider and was asked if I knew that my MOT had expired in June. A whole 6 months of illegally driving without knowing, only for me to cause a crash and essentially hand myself in. It's fascinating how life works. 

On to the third strike - losing my job. I'm happy to report that I am in a stable place with my job, and am coming up to my year anniversary. I have a great team, have built work relationships, and genuinely enjoy what I do on a day-to-day basis. It's true that you have to keep yourself busy when you're not feeling your best. A distraction method always seems to work the best as you have your eyes on the end prize; completing a task and having the satisfaction of getting through something you put your mind to. I've been thinking that work has been my distraction. Without explicitly stating where I work, I'm in a position where I have the option to work from home. I requested to work Christmas Eve (mainly because I had New Years Eve plans, so that was partly a compromise!), and ended up logging on in the evening of Christmas Day. There was a real satisfaction of closing down customer queries, assisting those on a day that they weren't expecting a response, and knowing that the following day of work was going to be that much easier. Why wouldn't I log in?

It's unfortunate that my mind doesn't allow a support system to grow around me, but it's something that I'm learning to deal with. Friends have come to me at times where I didn't realise I needed them, and my mum suggested that I reach out out to someone as I began to isolate myself. I suppose that aspect is still scaring me as it makes mental health that much realer, but I'm contemplating the idea in the new year. 

Much like my other blog posts, this really is my mental splurge and don't expect anyone to catch up or request that I post more often. It's been really nice to formalise what I've been thinking, and articulate it in a think-piece, rather than having a tornado of negativity form inside my head. Slowly learning to find my own peace. Now time to finish tidying my room; the irony that THIS became my distraction on top of a distraction is hilarious.