Saturday 28 December 2019

| 04:54 | No Comments

Christmas, ugh

This is a weird blast from the past. I go through phases of even forgetting that this blog exists. But as my existential crisis begins, I start to think of my failed projects and unfortunately remembered that I had plans to make a podcast/blog - ultimately giving up because I didn't have an immediate audience.

Christmas is a weird time of year. I once learnt about Season Affective Disorder (SAD) and thought it was one of those edgy things that some dickhead on Tumblr made up years ago, but after a quick Google search, the NHS actually recognises this type of depression that comes with the seasonal pattern. It's been noted that I do become a quieter person in the Winter months by those in my close circle, but this year has felt like a tidal wave of low moments and feeling like there's no end in sight.

I always refer to August 2018 as the worst month of my life - after being cut off by a guy I've known for 5 years, crashing my car, and losing my job - all a week before my 21st, I was at my lowest. Looking back, that was actually the last time I wrote on this blog. (Is this just turning into a diary of my depression?) Whilst my life is no where near as low as it was in Aug 18, I do have to ironically laugh at the parallels I have faced this month.

I was given a weird turn in life earlier this year as I grew closer to a childhood friend. Before we knew it, we were making drastic plans to see each other on a bi-weekly basis. Convoluted ideas of living with each other in the future, and spending hours on end just being in each others company was just what I needed. It's unfortunate to say that it didn't work out that way, and the whole ordeal came crashing down a little over a month after it all started, but it's where my head went somewhere else. The relationship itself was anticlimactic in a sense, so I definitely wouldn't say it was the root-cause, but its where I draw my first parallel. An internet friend meets me in person for the first time and ultimately sees me as different to their initial interpretation - fair enough.

The stress begins when I get myself into another car crash. In the moment that I impacted the car in front of me, a weird sense of "Here we go again" came over me. It wasn't an, "Oh my god, something has gone terribly wrong here, what do I do?!". I got out, noted that my car took 99% of the damage, took the other driver's name and was on my way. Still no tears shed, still not got my car fixed, and still waiting on the garage for the next stop on whether my car is even fixable. Bearing in mind this is coming up to a month later. For a little more context on why this should have a greater affect on my mind - a received a follow up phone call from the insurance provider and was asked if I knew that my MOT had expired in June. A whole 6 months of illegally driving without knowing, only for me to cause a crash and essentially hand myself in. It's fascinating how life works. 

On to the third strike - losing my job. I'm happy to report that I am in a stable place with my job, and am coming up to my year anniversary. I have a great team, have built work relationships, and genuinely enjoy what I do on a day-to-day basis. It's true that you have to keep yourself busy when you're not feeling your best. A distraction method always seems to work the best as you have your eyes on the end prize; completing a task and having the satisfaction of getting through something you put your mind to. I've been thinking that work has been my distraction. Without explicitly stating where I work, I'm in a position where I have the option to work from home. I requested to work Christmas Eve (mainly because I had New Years Eve plans, so that was partly a compromise!), and ended up logging on in the evening of Christmas Day. There was a real satisfaction of closing down customer queries, assisting those on a day that they weren't expecting a response, and knowing that the following day of work was going to be that much easier. Why wouldn't I log in?

It's unfortunate that my mind doesn't allow a support system to grow around me, but it's something that I'm learning to deal with. Friends have come to me at times where I didn't realise I needed them, and my mum suggested that I reach out out to someone as I began to isolate myself. I suppose that aspect is still scaring me as it makes mental health that much realer, but I'm contemplating the idea in the new year. 

Much like my other blog posts, this really is my mental splurge and don't expect anyone to catch up or request that I post more often. It's been really nice to formalise what I've been thinking, and articulate it in a think-piece, rather than having a tornado of negativity form inside my head. Slowly learning to find my own peace. Now time to finish tidying my room; the irony that THIS became my distraction on top of a distraction is hilarious.

Wednesday 29 August 2018

Where am I?
| 14:39 | No Comments

Where am I?

I'm in a weird point of my life right now. I'm days away from hitting 21 and everyone my age is at a different point in their life - whether that's with their relationships, career, education, or mental capacity. I've just started a new job; so I'd say my career is on a steady path, but I really don't know where I am mentally.
Why am I not checking in?

I was actually involved in a car crash yesterday - non-fatal, and no injuries. Both of us were pretty shaken at the time and now are cars are pretty damaged. But even as I drove my car home and began the process of reporting the crash to my insurance company, I was unusually calm. I texted immediate family about the stress of the situation... but I truly wasn't. It's almost like it was a default response; this is what you're meant to say in a situation like this. Why did I do that?

With my new role, I've come into minor hardships with my finances. Due to holiday allowances, arrears in my pay and changes in paydays, I came up pretty short in my last paycheck. I would essentially have £150 of 'free money' to spend; not accounting of petrol, food and the eventual car crash I was involved in. I don't have the strength to cut off my social life or make any real changes to accommodate this temporary cutback and yet here I am... treating myself to a bottle of red on a Wednesday evening, planning to cut collect an Amazon order tomorrow. Why is there so little stress?

Recently, I rekindled with a guy who I have spoken to on/off for the past 5 years. To spare you the details, we ended up booking a hotel in London and had a great evening. I would say our conversations have been pretty consistent over the last 5 years and yet... he has never texted me since that day. I've sent a sarcastic text once in a while and called him out for being weak, but even my friends have commented, "Why is this not driving you insane?" - and in the same breath - "I would be texting him so much more." Again - I feel like the default response would be anger and the sense of betrayal, but I seem to have moved on so quickly. Is this healthy?

I'd like to think that I have pretty good will-power when it comes to my own path in life. I have been complimented on my go-to attitude and my approach to new tasks, and yet, I can't complete anything I really want to do. At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would start a podcast (inspired by my own blog posts!). The equipment has been bought, commissioned artwork has been obtained, social media marketing is in the pipelines and so many people have reached out to say they want to get involved - but it's still not here. May 2018 had always been my intended start date, but as we approach September, I have to ask - why won't I finish?

Why am I not bothered? Why am I so far removed? Should I be worried? Are these words just default again?

This should be said into a microphone, but I'm half a bottle down on a school night with training in the morning. Sigh, good night.

Sunday 28 January 2018
| 14:06 | No Comments

My Life Would Be Better If...

My life is wonderful. I have a stable roof above my head, I never have to worry about my next meal, I make it to pay day with ease and I know that when I move out, my parents will be able to help me out. So why isn't this enough?

 I'm a British, white male who hasn't had many hardships in their life, so it's easy for me to take life for granted. But even in my easy life, I'm still riddled with "What ifs" in my brain - which I think is healthy. It's always good to think progressively and no one should settle with what they have. Sometimes when you speak your thoughts into the world, the world will speak back. People may say this is an act of God, others will say it is a way to spur yourself on to make the changes yourself. So let's spur myself on because I'm ill and feeling low.

 My life would be better if I moved out. I've only recently hit my 20s and I understand that in current climate, this is a very young age to move out. With all my friends at uni, or paying their parents large amounts of rent, I continually think that the deed should be done. The opportunities present themselves, and it would be a gateway to experiencing true adulthood. There are only so many ways to prove your adult lifestyle whilst living with [a] parent(s). Let me be responsible for my washing. Let me pay the price for missing my water bill. Let me have to stumble back to my dad's house to pick up the spare key because I've locked myself out for the 3rd time this week. I'm ready.

 My life would be better if I had a stable sex life. Better yet, let me rephrase that. My life would be better if I had a community round me that would comfortably discuss gay sex with. I am fairly limited with who I can talk to about gay sex, because it was never discussed in school. Anal sex is seen as taboo or BDSM to some vanilla hetros. In a non-perverted way, I want to know about other people's experiences. What feels good? Are sex toys exclusive to certain people? There's only so many conversations I can have with my straight friend about that 'one time' she 'accidentally' had anal sex because he was 'being too rough'. Okay girly, get your life in what ever way possible. Either way, I've accepted the fact that I'm going through my slut phase and could just do with a quick, easy - yet safe - shag.
My life would be better if I had true companionship. I've recently felt really lost. I don't connect with people the way I did in secondary school. Friendships seem temporary and half sought after. No one seems to want to fully know me anymore. Funny story about this actually - I've created an incredibly toxic mind frame around this, in that, I think that I'm an intimidating person to be around. In reality, I'm just really loud, blunt and explicit in room full of PG-rated people.

 My life would be better if I exercised my creative ability. BUT. But... I do blame this one on the fact that resources are expensive as fuck. Art is an expensive hobby, whether you're drawing, painting, sculpting, filming or singing. Everything comes with a price. When you're not talented enough for a sponsor or to make money selling your work, art can be brutal. Again, this is a massive excuse because there is a loophole to everything. The world in itself is a canvas, and it's up to me to decorate it how I wish. [P.S. Podcast coming very very soon, hoping for a March release.]

 My life would be better if I made like £200 extra a month. Growing up, £100 was a big fucking deal. 3 digits? Are you having a laugh? It's like we had struck oil. You could get so much for £100 at 10 years old. Fast forward to your 20s and £200 has left my account on payday for my car insurance and phone bill. [Side note, I just check my O2 app to make sure I paid my phone bill and got charged £2.50 extra for a work-related call. Best believe I'm getting that compensated tomorrow. Cheek of it all, honestly.] Money is fine, but I could be doing so much with that tiny bit more every month. This would no doubt change after a few months as I adjust to the pay and would eventually need an additional £200 but I suppose I could still fantasise about it.

 Anyways, I'm over this post already. This post is me whinging about common shit that I'm in control of, but just haven't learned to change yet. As I said, I'm speaking out into the universe. Consider this as a way for me to look back in the future as a tick box. I might reply to this post one day, that would be cool.

Saturday 26 August 2017
| 07:27 | No Comments

There are 'Other Options'

I remember coming out of year 11 absolutely beaming - knowing that I was coming out of compulsory education and having the ability to pick up A Levels that I knew I enjoyed. When I started college, all I could think about was that there were so many options from here on out. Life really is a series of choice.
"Life is a series of choices. What you eat. How you look. Whether you do drugs or not. See, only you can decide because the only person responsible is you. And if you make the right choice, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. If you make the wrong choice, all your decisions will be made for you."  - Extracted from Azealia Banks' song 'FANTASEA'.
It was then that I started realising that people were making the wrong decisions - dropping out because they were too lazy. Taking to the drug world because it was an escape from reality. These people were generally not making life a positive experience for themselves.

College ends and life is exciting - I have friends across the country, going to different universities and exploring themselves. I have friends going on holiday to the furthest points of the world from myself. I, myself was travelling and going to concerts. I went on holiday this year to the UAE - part of the world I never expected to find myself in. The last year has been a Gap year in a sense as I was still in part time work; not particularly looking for full time work. I knew that university wasn't for me and shared that thought process with a group of friends. I was content with the knowledge that I can travel the UK, visiting my friends at their respective universities - whilst also having friends at home, who I knew I could meet for a drink down at the pub.

Something happened over the last year and it seems a lot of these friends aren't ready for the reality of the world. They've taken the term 'gap year' seriously and are going back to education as of September. Whether this was their intention from the beginning, or they lost their sense of direction, this is their new reality. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?"

I'm in a new job, 2 months in as of the 3rd of September. The people in my office are lovely, and we have the kind of banter you would expect from people who have known each other for 10 years. It wasn't until last week that I realised that my work life will also be affected. Over the summer, a lot of 21/22 year old students have come and go through the offices as they were on a summer break. It wasn't until I looked around the office and realised how much change there was going to be over the coming weeks. 
When you become an adult, your workplace is the most likely source of friendship - it's the people you're spending multiple hours a day with. It's the people you're put up against in a sometimes challenging situation. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?" Knowing that these people won't be staying round long enough to form meaningful, lifelong friendships whilst I'm in a permanent position. Have I made the wrong decision?

The concept of university has always been complex to me. The idea of getting drunk every weekend on cheap, unknown booze is the immediate turn off. Then there's the idea of committing yourself to a single subject for 3/4 years. My brain loses interest very quickly, and it's this fear of losing interest overtime which completely turns me off - who knows what subject I would even begin with.
Now, university isn't my idea of hell. I absolutely understand all of the amazing advantages and opportunities that are presented through extensive education. The social advantages - crossing paths with people from all different parts of the country, the access to people your own age and in your own department. There's a reason why people make friends for life at uni. But it's just not for me.

So with all my friends seemingly finding their way back into education over the next weeks, I have to rather selfishly ask "What happens to me now?" My life revolves around my social life. I live for the weekends. My incentives through the day are meeting my friends for useless trips down to Brighton and midnight runs to McDonalds. Will I have to wait until the Christmas break to truly enjoy my friend groups again? Or is this all just the harsh reality of adulthood? 

I know this isn't a bad decision - it's my own path in life and I know what's best for me. So why do I still feel as though my decisions are being made for me? Why does my extroverted personality have to combat with itself?
This isn't a huge thing in life, I know, especially considering our social and political climate as of late (Don't get me started on those god damn fucking Nazis). But I'm scared. I'm scared of what's next. I don't want to resort back to being an 'internet' person who only thrives behind a screen whilst I see my friends flourishing. There are other options after college, but it really does feel like university is the only acceptable one.

Oh and holy shit I'm so single, but I didn't have enough to say to make a big post that. That's a pretty black and white statement. Haha.

Saturday 13 May 2017
| 13:26 | No Comments

How 'FANTASEA' Shaped My Teenage Years

This July will commemorate the 5 year anniversary of Azealia Banks' mixtape, 'FANTASEA'. This September will commemorate my 20th anniversary of being alive. Basic math will show that I was 14 when I was fully exposed to Azealia's creative integrity and commitment to music.


Having heard, and already being a massive fan of Azealia's 1991 - EP (2012), it wasn't until her first mixtape that we truly got to experience her voice and stories. Samples of the mixtape released prior to release included the infamous '212', fan-favourite 'Fuck Up the Fun' and a brand new song 'Jumanji'. Listening to just these three songs will show her versatility and worth. On mixtape release day, I was presented with a 19-song strong tracklist - and without trying to sound over dramatic, my life changed.

At 14, my music knowledge was probably wider than the majority of my classmates' - but that only included chart toppers and songs my mum would blast from the bath, late on a school night. Banks was one of the first artists I could truly run into school and inform my peers about. Here's just a couple of memories I have with certain songs...

For a larger portion of my early teens, I was part of a dance troupe for a local company. My relationship with the dance teacher was very personal. We would be eager to start our dance lessons on a Tuesday with new music from the week, and discussing choreography to our own fan-made mixes. When 'Jumanji' was released, I instantly visualised choreography alongside it and had to inform Shaun! (This is the days before I utilised Facebook Messenger, so Tuesday was looming). Our dance studio was on the second floor of the leisure centre and I remember being sat on the viewing deck, overlooking the main entrance. I got there so early just to make sure I was the first to see Shaun and inform him on how sick this song really was. He clicked with it straight away, and we freestyled in the studios while we were waiting for the other students.

I went to a pretty decent secondary school - we were academically the strongest school in the area, with plenty of students from various cultures/backgrounds. We would have these house parties pretty much every weekend and I always remember getting stressed out at some of the music choices. These kids were mixing slow music straight after a trance remix of ''What Makes You Beautiful' and I wasn't feeling. Once in a while, I would take of the aux and I was eager to play 'Esta Noche'. The intro is pretty long, and I was prepared for some back lash, but my girls could trust me. Better believe when that drop came in, it became a fan favourite and actually created some fans of Azealia. This song let me truly embrace my little gay ass, as flamboyantly as I  wished.

Twitter was THE place to be back in 2012/2013. Everyone really did get along, and it was a place where live tweeting was a given. Twitter introduced me to RuPaul's Drag Race - a US based competition for drag professionals to prove they are America's next Drag Superstar. I was introduced to a culture of gay black men in the Ballroom scenes. 'Paris is Burning' became part of my vernacular (without the inappropriate cultural appropriation, of course). In turn, I could appreciate songs such as 'Fierce' and 'Chips'. On first listen of the mixtape, they essentially went a miss as I couldn't resonate or white people dance to them. These songs make me feel kunty and inadvertently tell me to take up Vogue'ing lessons. Being part of Azealia's fanbase opened my eyes to a new world of dance and culture.

The visual direction for the music video to 'Atlantis' was perhaps the only thing from the 'Fantasea era' that wasn't necessarily introduced to me by Azealia. Being one of the original Tumblr kids, I was fully aware of the vaporware scene. However, for Azealia to indulge into it was a shock for me. I had only seen her as a house/RnB artist with plenty of early 2000 references. This was new and exciting, weirdly edited and not what I expected from listening to the song. The video was released whilst I was doing my GCSEs, and I remember being sat in a Drama Theory class when I got the notification. I showed my friend, who was already familar with 'Esta Noche', and asked her what she thought. She agreed she had never seen anything like it before. She was a force to be reckoned with.

The release of 'FANTASEA II: The Second Wave' is looming, and it's always nice to look back at how music has changed you. It's not always obvious at the time, but I'm typing with a big smile on my face right now. If you've never given Azealia's music a chance, all I can do is beg you to look past any negative headlines you might have seen about her. 'Along the Coast' and 'Count Contessa' are really nice previews of whats to come.

Tuesday 17 January 2017

Creative 'Shlump'
| 05:45 | No Comments

Creative 'Shlump'

I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.


During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

  • I would love to produce music. I've always collected acapellas, instrumentals, stems, remixes, EPs. I love messing around with music, making mashups for my friends and made stem remixes of popular chart music. But I would love to be able to churn out original songs and make a profit off of them - even if it is as a remix artist.
  • Following on from my previous point, I would love to be able to play the piano or guitar. My only problem is my patience, and that I have absolutely none. It would be a struggle for me.
  • I would like to draw more. Art lessons between the ages of 8-14 seemed like a chore, and quite honestly, a useless subject while I was trying to find my feet. It wasn't until I picked up Graphic Design for a GCSE that I realised the therapeutic side and the satisfaction of finishing.
  • One day I intended on owning my own studio. I imagine a white washed room with brick walls and various back drops for young artists and friends to 'explode in'. Throwing paint up the walls, photoshoots for varying reasons, acoustics for recording artists. It'll be multi-faceted, but I also need the income to fund such a destructive ambition.
  • I want to write a book on life experiences. Growing up as a pretty mentally stable teenager in a friendship group of others that aren't - it's made me realise that my outlook on life is different to others. I would love to share my experiences and insight on how I enjoy life even on the emptiest of days.
  • There should be more galleries near me. Although this isn't particularly going to make me create more, I do think they are such an odd concept that we as humans have constructed. We've created spaces that we naturally respect by being quiet in, it's a  museum of so many artist's interpretation of the world, and a real explosion of personal thought and expression - yet, remains so faceless. We're seeing an embodiment of an artist; whether dead or a live, but for the majority of the time we are left without a face to match the work to.
  • And on a completely contradictory and controversial level... there's nothing stopping me from wanting to do porn one day. Porn to me is being completely comfortable with your body, it means some of the safest sex you could ever have, and shows a completely different side to a personality type that you might not have explored. Of course, if my parents were to ever read this, I'm sure they would be horrified because it's shameless and also a failed career choice... but... I'll keep my options open. Maybe I just want to experience what it's like on set.  
Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.

Tuesday 6 September 2016
| 12:24 | No Comments

What am I grateful for?


It's been a while since I've posted. My initial reason for starting this blog was because I was very angry at the world; a lot of things bothered me, and I felt the rest of the world cared. But blogging has become an outlet for me to create lengthy rants that only a small group of people will read.

Coming into the new school year has made realise that I'm grateful for a lot of things. Having recently turned 19, I'd like to think I'm becoming pretty experienced in life; but obviously there's always room for improvements and further reading. Knowing that this time next year, I'll be starting my third decade being alive has been scary but also quite comforting.
~
1 - I've learnt that the world is never really against me. Whether that's because I'm a white male with a whole lot of privilege, or the realisation that you really do decide your own fate 90% of the time. You really do have choice to get off your arse and do something; but you also have the choice to relax once a week and go (metaphorically) brain dead for a second. There shouldn't be any guilt behind that. I'm very grateful that I learnt that pretty much as soon as I started secondary school (age 11/12). It really helped with my learning process, and it's something I've tried to pass along to my peers for years.

2 - As a counterpart to my last point; I'm very grateful that I've completed my education. Education is so exciting to me - you can either see it as a 9-3:30 chore, or check the pros and cons. I personally believe compulsory education should be viewed as highly selective. You need to realise that you only really need to take it particular areas to excel in this world. There's a lot of information presented to you, but not all of it is necessary. Education is all about reading between the lines and realising that there's a lot of further reading after your teacher has lectured you. (I've been drinking and can already tell this paragraph isn't coherent in the slightest. Just constantly look at education as a blessing and not a systematic chore).

3 - I'm grateful for the time period I was born in. I was born into an era where race, sexuality and religion are taught separately; but also understood universally. Although we've not progressed to being entirely grateful for these beautiful diversities; I do believe our world is at a point where the good outnumber the bad. Not only have we seen progression in the sociological world; but we've seen technology integrate itself into our community in such an unimaginable way that it leaves me smiling just typing this. Technology doesn't stop at Twitter and the newest Xbox - technology is now vital in; medicine, literature, creative arts etc. We're at a pinnacle point in humanity where we are not dependent on technology, but we understand its importance. And wow isn't that exciting to a millennial who is constantly being told that we need to get off their phone.

4 - The world is a beautiful place. The sooner you can realise beauty in the somewhat uglier parts, the better your life becomes. To have any form of vision in itself is a wonderful, wonderful thing. To experience the world in in its truest, highest quality is a small portion of life that the majority take for granted. The way we have a spectrum of colours, the way light reflects off of certain surfaces, the mathematical science behind nature, the craftsmanship of structure. We're all wrapped up in this busy world of getting from point A to point B, that we need to take a break for half a second and just appreciate that a lot of us lack our basic senses. 

5 - Music sends us into different worlds. Looking past different genres, you really can find specific instruments in certain songs that do something to your mood. For example, I was listening to Kanye West's 'Ultralight Beam' at the beginning of this post, and the choir really does affect my mood every time I listen to it. This minor key song is downplayed in its greatness, but I can't help but smile as I hear the child preaching about the lord in the first few seconds. A few minutes in, I manage to find comfort in Chance the Rapper reciting the lines "When they come for you, I will shield your name. I will field their questions, I will feel your pain."
I have no doubt in my mind that this emotional attach I have to 'Ultralight Beam' is very individual, but that's part of the magic behind music. It's amazing that we all interpret music differently; even though many critics say the world is "running out of music" due to the lack of melodic rhythms and riff patterns in modern pop music. 

I'm going to leave this post at only 5 points; mainly because I'm running out of white wine, but also because I'm getting tired of typing. It's been way too long since I've ranted like this - god knows how I used to spew 2/3 posts a night out.
Let this post be a reality check for where you are in life. Without this turning into some hippy bullshit; interpret the world from a different angle and the world will do the rest of the work. It's not all bad out there!