Archive for 2017

Saturday, 26 August 2017
| 07:27 | No Comments

There are 'Other Options'

I remember coming out of year 11 absolutely beaming - knowing that I was coming out of compulsory education and having the ability to pick up A Levels that I knew I enjoyed. When I started college, all I could think about was that there were so many options from here on out. Life really is a series of choice.
"Life is a series of choices. What you eat. How you look. Whether you do drugs or not. See, only you can decide because the only person responsible is you. And if you make the right choice, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. If you make the wrong choice, all your decisions will be made for you."  - Extracted from Azealia Banks' song 'FANTASEA'.
It was then that I started realising that people were making the wrong decisions - dropping out because they were too lazy. Taking to the drug world because it was an escape from reality. These people were generally not making life a positive experience for themselves.

College ends and life is exciting - I have friends across the country, going to different universities and exploring themselves. I have friends going on holiday to the furthest points of the world from myself. I, myself was travelling and going to concerts. I went on holiday this year to the UAE - part of the world I never expected to find myself in. The last year has been a Gap year in a sense as I was still in part time work; not particularly looking for full time work. I knew that university wasn't for me and shared that thought process with a group of friends. I was content with the knowledge that I can travel the UK, visiting my friends at their respective universities - whilst also having friends at home, who I knew I could meet for a drink down at the pub.

Something happened over the last year and it seems a lot of these friends aren't ready for the reality of the world. They've taken the term 'gap year' seriously and are going back to education as of September. Whether this was their intention from the beginning, or they lost their sense of direction, this is their new reality. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?"

I'm in a new job, 2 months in as of the 3rd of September. The people in my office are lovely, and we have the kind of banter you would expect from people who have known each other for 10 years. It wasn't until last week that I realised that my work life will also be affected. Over the summer, a lot of 21/22 year old students have come and go through the offices as they were on a summer break. It wasn't until I looked around the office and realised how much change there was going to be over the coming weeks. 
When you become an adult, your workplace is the most likely source of friendship - it's the people you're spending multiple hours a day with. It's the people you're put up against in a sometimes challenging situation. But with this reflection, I have to sit back and ask; "What happens to me now?" Knowing that these people won't be staying round long enough to form meaningful, lifelong friendships whilst I'm in a permanent position. Have I made the wrong decision?

The concept of university has always been complex to me. The idea of getting drunk every weekend on cheap, unknown booze is the immediate turn off. Then there's the idea of committing yourself to a single subject for 3/4 years. My brain loses interest very quickly, and it's this fear of losing interest overtime which completely turns me off - who knows what subject I would even begin with.
Now, university isn't my idea of hell. I absolutely understand all of the amazing advantages and opportunities that are presented through extensive education. The social advantages - crossing paths with people from all different parts of the country, the access to people your own age and in your own department. There's a reason why people make friends for life at uni. But it's just not for me.

So with all my friends seemingly finding their way back into education over the next weeks, I have to rather selfishly ask "What happens to me now?" My life revolves around my social life. I live for the weekends. My incentives through the day are meeting my friends for useless trips down to Brighton and midnight runs to McDonalds. Will I have to wait until the Christmas break to truly enjoy my friend groups again? Or is this all just the harsh reality of adulthood? 

I know this isn't a bad decision - it's my own path in life and I know what's best for me. So why do I still feel as though my decisions are being made for me? Why does my extroverted personality have to combat with itself?
This isn't a huge thing in life, I know, especially considering our social and political climate as of late (Don't get me started on those god damn fucking Nazis). But I'm scared. I'm scared of what's next. I don't want to resort back to being an 'internet' person who only thrives behind a screen whilst I see my friends flourishing. There are other options after college, but it really does feel like university is the only acceptable one.

Oh and holy shit I'm so single, but I didn't have enough to say to make a big post that. That's a pretty black and white statement. Haha.

Saturday, 13 May 2017
| 13:26 | No Comments

How 'FANTASEA' Shaped My Teenage Years

This July will commemorate the 5 year anniversary of Azealia Banks' mixtape, 'FANTASEA'. This September will commemorate my 20th anniversary of being alive. Basic math will show that I was 14 when I was fully exposed to Azealia's creative integrity and commitment to music.


Having heard, and already being a massive fan of Azealia's 1991 - EP (2012), it wasn't until her first mixtape that we truly got to experience her voice and stories. Samples of the mixtape released prior to release included the infamous '212', fan-favourite 'Fuck Up the Fun' and a brand new song 'Jumanji'. Listening to just these three songs will show her versatility and worth. On mixtape release day, I was presented with a 19-song strong tracklist - and without trying to sound over dramatic, my life changed.

At 14, my music knowledge was probably wider than the majority of my classmates' - but that only included chart toppers and songs my mum would blast from the bath, late on a school night. Banks was one of the first artists I could truly run into school and inform my peers about. Here's just a couple of memories I have with certain songs...

For a larger portion of my early teens, I was part of a dance troupe for a local company. My relationship with the dance teacher was very personal. We would be eager to start our dance lessons on a Tuesday with new music from the week, and discussing choreography to our own fan-made mixes. When 'Jumanji' was released, I instantly visualised choreography alongside it and had to inform Shaun! (This is the days before I utilised Facebook Messenger, so Tuesday was looming). Our dance studio was on the second floor of the leisure centre and I remember being sat on the viewing deck, overlooking the main entrance. I got there so early just to make sure I was the first to see Shaun and inform him on how sick this song really was. He clicked with it straight away, and we freestyled in the studios while we were waiting for the other students.

I went to a pretty decent secondary school - we were academically the strongest school in the area, with plenty of students from various cultures/backgrounds. We would have these house parties pretty much every weekend and I always remember getting stressed out at some of the music choices. These kids were mixing slow music straight after a trance remix of ''What Makes You Beautiful' and I wasn't feeling. Once in a while, I would take of the aux and I was eager to play 'Esta Noche'. The intro is pretty long, and I was prepared for some back lash, but my girls could trust me. Better believe when that drop came in, it became a fan favourite and actually created some fans of Azealia. This song let me truly embrace my little gay ass, as flamboyantly as I  wished.

Twitter was THE place to be back in 2012/2013. Everyone really did get along, and it was a place where live tweeting was a given. Twitter introduced me to RuPaul's Drag Race - a US based competition for drag professionals to prove they are America's next Drag Superstar. I was introduced to a culture of gay black men in the Ballroom scenes. 'Paris is Burning' became part of my vernacular (without the inappropriate cultural appropriation, of course). In turn, I could appreciate songs such as 'Fierce' and 'Chips'. On first listen of the mixtape, they essentially went a miss as I couldn't resonate or white people dance to them. These songs make me feel kunty and inadvertently tell me to take up Vogue'ing lessons. Being part of Azealia's fanbase opened my eyes to a new world of dance and culture.

The visual direction for the music video to 'Atlantis' was perhaps the only thing from the 'Fantasea era' that wasn't necessarily introduced to me by Azealia. Being one of the original Tumblr kids, I was fully aware of the vaporware scene. However, for Azealia to indulge into it was a shock for me. I had only seen her as a house/RnB artist with plenty of early 2000 references. This was new and exciting, weirdly edited and not what I expected from listening to the song. The video was released whilst I was doing my GCSEs, and I remember being sat in a Drama Theory class when I got the notification. I showed my friend, who was already familar with 'Esta Noche', and asked her what she thought. She agreed she had never seen anything like it before. She was a force to be reckoned with.

The release of 'FANTASEA II: The Second Wave' is looming, and it's always nice to look back at how music has changed you. It's not always obvious at the time, but I'm typing with a big smile on my face right now. If you've never given Azealia's music a chance, all I can do is beg you to look past any negative headlines you might have seen about her. 'Along the Coast' and 'Count Contessa' are really nice previews of whats to come.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Creative 'Shlump'
| 05:45 | No Comments

Creative 'Shlump'

I'm in a real tricky position in my life right now where I've just come out of education and been in full time work for 4 months now, in a job that I've been at for 3 years. It's made me realise how much creative freedom I had at school/college and how the materials really were just provided to me. At the beginning of December, I remember really thinking about how something seems missing in my life - and it really is that creative flare that I took for granted while studying creative art courses.


During my creative 'panic', I bought an iPad as I thought I would be able to express myself using the many apps available, and the technology to use it as a drawing pad as well. Since the purchase, I've enriched myself in plenty of drawing apps, podcasts, books, magazines, news articles etc. - but it still just feels like I'm consuming all of this media and not doing anything with it. It's making me realise that these media types I'm taking for granted really are hollow and meant for a temporary fix while I'm on a train for waiting for a bus. On a completely different point as well - I'm really glad Vine is dead for this reason.

So how am I going to 'create my own creativity' - well, it's easier now that I'm an adult with a pay check and car. It means that accessibility to materials is somewhat easier - but it also means that creativity comes with a price. Without all the depressing ins-and-outs, here's a list of things I dream of looking into and wanting to master:

  • I would love to produce music. I've always collected acapellas, instrumentals, stems, remixes, EPs. I love messing around with music, making mashups for my friends and made stem remixes of popular chart music. But I would love to be able to churn out original songs and make a profit off of them - even if it is as a remix artist.
  • Following on from my previous point, I would love to be able to play the piano or guitar. My only problem is my patience, and that I have absolutely none. It would be a struggle for me.
  • I would like to draw more. Art lessons between the ages of 8-14 seemed like a chore, and quite honestly, a useless subject while I was trying to find my feet. It wasn't until I picked up Graphic Design for a GCSE that I realised the therapeutic side and the satisfaction of finishing.
  • One day I intended on owning my own studio. I imagine a white washed room with brick walls and various back drops for young artists and friends to 'explode in'. Throwing paint up the walls, photoshoots for varying reasons, acoustics for recording artists. It'll be multi-faceted, but I also need the income to fund such a destructive ambition.
  • I want to write a book on life experiences. Growing up as a pretty mentally stable teenager in a friendship group of others that aren't - it's made me realise that my outlook on life is different to others. I would love to share my experiences and insight on how I enjoy life even on the emptiest of days.
  • There should be more galleries near me. Although this isn't particularly going to make me create more, I do think they are such an odd concept that we as humans have constructed. We've created spaces that we naturally respect by being quiet in, it's a  museum of so many artist's interpretation of the world, and a real explosion of personal thought and expression - yet, remains so faceless. We're seeing an embodiment of an artist; whether dead or a live, but for the majority of the time we are left without a face to match the work to.
  • And on a completely contradictory and controversial level... there's nothing stopping me from wanting to do porn one day. Porn to me is being completely comfortable with your body, it means some of the safest sex you could ever have, and shows a completely different side to a personality type that you might not have explored. Of course, if my parents were to ever read this, I'm sure they would be horrified because it's shameless and also a failed career choice... but... I'll keep my options open. Maybe I just want to experience what it's like on set.  
Creativity these days just translates to money. 'Expensive' art, or this consumable media with purpose really does mean using money in the right way. It's only when money doesn't become part of the piece, that we label it as 'political' - it's seen as stigmatised and then people start reading the art work; trying to find 'the purpose' or 'meaning' behind it. What I'm trying to say is that I want to create enriched work; on a financial and personal level.